An end to a beginning By GingerZ

An end to a beginning 

By GingerZ

I have been anxious.  Like so many of us comes the end of a year means the end and saying goodbyes to those who have touched our souls.

2025 for me started with a gut wrenching punch to my solar plexis and it took me a good 3 to 4 months to regain composure.

For those who knew me would say I tell everything on the spot ... I react. 

But for this I couldn't.  I recoiled into myself and distanced myself from even me,  my ostrich mentality wasn't helping and all everyone could talk about was the impending doom... 

Sounds dramatic.

But in my world I had built a life here and 7 years is a long time to invest in a place in an occupation that I am passionate about.  

Everything comes to an end and so has the secondary contract for us here.  One hundred and 4 exceptional teachers are affected and all us where processing accepting digesting and trying to wrap our heads around the end.

With this comes colleagues who have become dearest souls .... leave.  They move on .... one partly due to the news and for some the time has come.

Dealing with any sort of upheaval changes one as a human.

I didnt want to move but I have to.  Have I voiced this to family and those back home. No.  I didnt have a plan or answers.  I was scared.

And what did my scared do.... put myself into a financial lock for the next 5 years... I think I needed something to ground me something for me to work towards and for me to be busy 

I completed my Med. My brain needed to be busy.  My brain needed not to think. I just wanted everything to be ok and I knew it was never gonna be.  I had to deal.

I opened my laptop one day away from everyone at school. Sat and thought of ways of what next.  Do I have a cv or a cover letter ? Do I know what sites to log into to find suitable positions? Do I have an idea of what or where I wanted to go next ? To put it simply NO.

I closed my laptop and decided to forget about it. And if anyone brought it up I went full blown defensive.

I couldnt fast forward.  I had to live in the now.  I truly couldn't.  D would sit by me and keep asking are u ok its gonna be ok and the tears fell.. A has been my voice of reason and he was like ma change is good wipe those tears and start.  I wanted to throw my shoe at him for I knew his words were true.  

But how to start.  Where to begin. 

I have come a long way from May June of this year.  I made lists.  It felt good ticking my own  boxes.  I was going nowhere slowly .... well still am.

This journey is only beginning ... I ask for your .... duas.

Before I end this rant ... I'm saying goodbye to 2 souls who have touched my heart from day 1 ... 7 years later I think of u leaving and I cry with actual tears rolling down ... I wish u 2 the best and thank you for loving me accepting me for being my humans and my go to. When all of this was happening I had no one of my own to vent to to talk to .... u were there right next to me . 

Lets see where life takes us... stay close !