xoxo for masha

I've hugged so many people lately.
Not casual quick ones, but great big bear hugs with feeling, and I was hugged right back in the best expression of kinship, friendship and sisterhood.

Some of my favourite people in the world are awesome huggers, they wrap you up in their arms, embrace you like they mean it (gentle, yet firm) leaving you with no doubt that you are the lucky recipient of a wealth of affection.

My dad was like that, and I grew up knowing affection, was surrounded by it. Love wasn't an abstract concept, it was in our every action, in our way of being.
xoxo... It's as necessary as air. I breathe it in, experience it with my whole being... pay it back in kind. 

My favourite hugger in the world (after Shah and Kimi) is 3 year old Mashee! Hers comes with a run up, and she flings herself at you without reserve and lands with her legs wrapped around you, nuzzling in your neck. Then she raises her head back, looks you deep in your eyes, strokes your hair and asks in a very serious tone , "Where have you been?" Well, you could've been gone for one hour, 2 months or longer, yet the question remains the same.

And she doesn't just catch and release, oh no, she intermittently gives you a few extra squeezes before letting go.

Who doesn't like a good hug? My best hug is the one that has you closing your eyes tightly and leaves you beaming with pleasure. The warmth of the other person lingers and the feeling radiates throughout your body. No words are necessary in this instance and the depth of feeling is conveyed to full effect by two bodies locked tightly together in mutual pleasure. And if the hugger has some extra padding, and plumpness (you know who you are) its even better, it adds extra dimension and you find yourself sinking in to the buttery goodness. I usually grab an extra drukkie just to get all the benefits.

So the accepted greetings of handshakes, or kissy cheeks are great and appropriate for those that you're not quite familiar with. But those others (you know, your people) why not launch yourself at them like Mashee (without reserve or fear) and let them know that love and caring can be found between your two arms.

Have I always been a proponent of hugging? No. I tend to be reserved and a bit of a cold fish. I used to believe that it was through service to others that love was conveyed. But that in itself implies that love is conditional, dependent on what you do for someone else. Whereas the hugger imparts love whether it comes with reward or reciprocity, or not. At the heart of it, it conveys to the recipient that the source of the affection is endless and the access to love is always available. And how great it is that both participants draws from it, and that it multiples the positive effects. Masha has taught me this!

On the other hand, there is nothing more heart wrenching than a hug goodbye.

Especially if you are saying farewell to someone you love and you're not ready to let go. In this moment you wish that time would stand still. In this moment you wish you never have to let go. In this moment you are too afraid to speak for in speaking you might open the floodgates and reveal the truth of your broken heart. So you hold back a thousand thoughts and sentiments and pour every emotion into your touch. The moment is all the more bittersweet because with the touch of your hand against the nape of her neck,  arms curl around shoulders, her hands locked and holding tight, your face buried against her neck...you wish you could set up home in this embrace.

The moment is an eternity yet passes very quickly, you hold your breath, feel her heartbeat once more, then life interrupts, someone enters the room or the phone goes off, or it is time for your flight...
You feel the sense of loss the instant you withdraw, the shift is subtle, but the distance between the two of you is already in place. 

She holds on tight refusing to let go, understanding that you have to, but wishing that you would rather not...Your eyes become veiled and you become overwhelmed, then tearfully you hand her over to her Tata to take care of her in the absence of the women of the family, mother, grandmother, aunty....and together they watch you walk away. And you will yourself to be strong, not to look back, but you do. And in that moment you make a promise to yourself that no matter where in the world she is, that you will come for her and for all of them.

And you find yourself avoiding xoxo for a while.

Then one day it creeps up on you, you open your eyes and realize you are in the middle of a great big hug ... and that it feels pretty good.
And you wonder why you gave up on it for a while to protect your heart.
And you draw the person closer, breathing in their scent.
And you snuggle deeper into them, hiding out in love.
And you open yourself up, and the world rushes in... in love and in kindness to sooth your broken heart.

So go on, be like Mashee and make hugging your super love power.

For Masha, my Mashee,

For remembering Nana even though we so rarely meet.
For loving me so freely, and so tightly.
For reminding me that even though the world is so big, that family love conquers all.

I love you unreservedly.
Happy 3rd Birthday!

Love always,

Nana