Emotionally Available by Rushana Samsodien

You are deemed a primary caregiver in many articles or posts. 

When you comfort those crocodile tears and all they want is for you to take it away. You say, “Here let mommy kiss it better” and that salty drop just magically disappears into your fingers.

Being emotionally available has a myriad of positives and it paves the way right into adulthood, but you also become the ultimate vacuum just sucking up the bits and pieces. You want them to be confident in dealing with whatever they are feeling in a good way. My eldest son is a sensitive soul, like me in some ways but he also doesn’t shy away from saying how he truly feels unless he is scared, he’ll say something wrong or assume it might hurt your feelings.

I don’t hesitate for a second if they cry or get hurt. I’m instant, something like what we relate to as “instant gratification”, I’m that. When I see a storm or fight coming along I sometimes give the eye, or the sigh, or the talk but I’m there. I explain. I deal. He got sick at school one day, just as I put down the phone and there, I was in 2 minutes flat. His teacher couldn’t believe it. "Wow mommy that was super-fast", she says. I laughed and thought, gosh do I have to be in such a hurry to be the hero? Nope, it’s just in me.

Boys especially, their feelings are invalidated from a young age, they are going to become men one day we are told. But when? Now? At 6 years old? I let that comment slide. His baby brother takes a toy from him, he cries for it because it is his. The most common response would be “It’s just a dinosaur”. To us yes, it’s just a Dino with one leg but to him, it’s not just that but rather his show and tell. This is the time to say, “I get it, ok that wasn’t a good move grabbing it from you", I’ll try to explain it to him, so he understands. "Come sit with me and let’s wait for your toy, we’ll play with something else in the meantime” The time you took to read that is longer than actually doing, I promise!

Let’s call a hug a hug, you cannot make someone feel worse by giving a hug. It’s warm and cozy and gives you the feeling of understanding. I see this often with my kids and others. I hold them close; I go on my knees, and I just hold them. I feel so much more when I do that, physically going to their level and just hugging it out. Two minutes of that and they are brand new. Life’s good again. Tone is everything.

It’s hard for us adults to have a calm tone sometimes but they are mimicking you in every way possible. It’s how they’ll remember you into their parenthood.

"They always listened with intent and never made me feel bad about anything I told them", this is what they’ll tell their kids one day.... I hope.

My husband and I often have this discussion sometimes in passing when it’s in the moment of a meltdown of my 2-year-old. Learning to understand their language takes a lot of practice but it makes you see how easy your life can be if you follow their cues. I don’t mind being the patient one, pretending to be a 6-year-old and what goes through their tiny minds when big feelings explode. Diversion is key, just like when you are told to try and get your mind off things that weigh you down, it is the same for them. Some might say don’t give into their every whim, they’ll end up needy all the time, I agree to disagree.

I have this dream that one day my teenage sons will come to me on their bad day, and we’ll be sipping milkshakes in the car and talking about how life sucks sometimes and this is what I am working towards. I don’t need to know their deepest darkest secrets, but I just want them to know I am available. Nothing that a good old ice cream won’t solve I always say (even though Dad doesn’t like too much sugar) boohoo for those days!

Now imagine not only being emotionally available to them but to your partner too. To your mom, your friend. It’s a paradigm for us, we are naturally inclined to be this person somehow. Can’t explain it, but it’s true. You know just what to say or do in single bursts but also let’s not forget the vacuum.

 It needs to be emptied too.