The Reckoning

I don't long for healing.
Or therapy.
Or a change of mood or mindset.
I don't wish to regulate my nervous system or deal with generational trauma.
I wish to break down.
Excavate.

Bring to ruin.
Till I return to my default setting.
To a blank slate.
To bare bones...
Before this being was touched by man.
This soul was made to comply.
This creative force was tamed.
By rules and systems designed by man to have us conform.
To be a cog in a gigantic system reducing us to numbers.
ID numbers.
Employee numbers.
Death certificate numbers...

Administrated with every breath, till the last.
Make a living...not living.
The span of a life in service of functionality

My spirit is silent.
Disconnected from the natural world.
On an endless loop.
I am tired of peopling,

Who am I?

I am earth before borders.
I am wild fruit before price tags.
I am stone before sculpture,
and fire before it learned to warm kings.

I am the animal unbranded...wild & free..
I am breath unscheduled.
I am bones laid bare, unnamed, untamed.

Before my mother tongue was reduced to currency,
before my body was mapped and measured,
before my joy was rationed for weekends -

I was whole.
And I will remember.
Not in therapy rooms sterilized by fluorescent lights.
Not in courses that sell me back my own soul.
But in the destruction.
In the ruin.
In the slow breaking and rebuilding.

Until I am again what God first whispered:

Alive.