BOO

Have you ever been ghosted?

So many questions…such an absence of answers or explanations…

o   What could be the cause of the explosion in instances of this modern-day phenomenon? 

o   And is there an element of shame attached to it?

o    Is the rejection which is central to this act impactful to the one on the receiving end of it?

o   Is it not the disappearance, but the deep unkindness in the way that it is executed that adds to the gut-punch?

For sure in my day, and by that, I mean the awesome 80's, the decade of big hair, big earrings and big love, if you smaaked a girl, you told her and asked her to spien. And if you were done, you broke up: in words, in person over the landline, standing at the gate during a quick home visit or at a house party you probably gatecrashed in Rooikrans Avenue. And to be broken up with sucked, but the dudes were righteous, and in retrospect there was dignity for both parties in that course of action.

That's why so many of us could remain friends after. That and because our circles in the Suburbs were small in the Apartheid years. Also, our families knew each other and there was mutual respect between old family friends which superseded childish dramas of the amorous variety. I would literally bump into my ex within a week as Dad and Boeta Alwie-them would surely be visiting each other the very next Sunday over koesisters and broodporring.

Stewed fruit and jammy bread pudding ...yum.

I digress...

Back to the topic of a spook and his/her penchant for disappearing. How even…

Let’s explore…in the words of a few wise women”

“I choose to believe it's childishness, selfishness and fear that drives the phantom to this disgraceful measure. Selfishness because it's their discomfort in the awkwardness of goodbyes, that is the driver. Childishness because it is easier to walk away than face the person you're hurting. And fear, because there is nothing scarier than having someone penetrate your defenses and see you for who you really are. It's easy playing games, and existing in the shallows; it's scary when that one person manages to drag you into the deep... Or maybe there is no spark left  and no wanting of more ...Or maybe it is much more mundane than that: maybe boredom set in, maybe the flesh has been satisfied and the bones already discarded, and maybe it’s just a case of ‘Next!’”

And further even:

“Would you rather be with someone you love or someone who loves you ...

That was a question I had to ask myself. And by following the heart, it led to a break-up when maybe I should have chosen the one who loved me ...

But what if he nauseated me or I didn't feel as much as I should have .... could I or would I have been satisfied...

So, I ghosted him - in those days we just ignored - i stayed away made excuses - found reasons why he annoyed me - stopped taking his constant calls and mind u in those days no mobiles... and when he did speak to me, I flipped him off and he still stayed ... I didn't feel anything, but he was nice to have around ... to this day he tries and to this day I feel ...nothing

Bad boys were what attracted me, and he was or is one of the few good ones and still I don't …

I like the feeling of the unknown not of being stable and Predictable... fire and ice

Do I feel bad .... maybe a tinge of ...”

In the end it comes down to your values and how you choose to treat others: Avoid confrontation and make like a ghost and poof…or say “thanks and it was good… but byeee…”

Either way, it will hurt like a mf…

But like Casper so kindly asked in the movie of the same name: “Can I keep you?”

If the answer is “No…” we must be gracious enough to accept it and move on without saying “Boo!” and haunting that person forever...