Circles by GingerZ

I have never wanted "typical" relationships. I have always tried to be different in how I see things, react to situations, and empathize.... most of the time this has blown up in my face. Cause no matter how I feel or what I have done ...it seems like a shortfall... 

so in quiet moments I feel maybe I should have followed the norm...taken the steps that was laid out ....I would have lost me ...was that enuf ...not for me ...I wanted to or want to give the freedom of choice.

I want to be that person who u turn back for I want to stop feeling this empty.   I don't want to pick up the phone and think l am wasting my time ...they won't answer or return the call... Why can't it work both ways ... why do I have to question these things. 

A journey taken is step moving forward, it's using those stumbling blocks and making it into steppingstones and when I look back, I see how far I have come ... but still I walk alone ...it's by choice yes but everyone faltered, and I continued cause if I stopped, I would’ve fallen ...and I knew there was no hand on my back...

Do I feel sad?

No... I feel ok in my own skin ... I had to. I keep going, wanting to reach higher, be braver and once in a while find a nook to hide in to let go of all those feelings ...but I get up dust off adjust my shoulders and walk on.

I just want to stop sometimes... I live too far and yet it all still happens ...if I say this, I am saying what I have done for u or if I say that no one asked me to 

..shut up...and listen or look or validate ... as a woman as a mother as a human ....the sacrifices that has been made , we have no time to feel sorry for ourselves  and the last thing we want is pity ...a simple thank you or here is a video of this or wait I will call u once a week to show u to include u ...I wait in earnest ...I thought...the mother of all fk ups .. 2 words…I thought ...maybe I shouldn't think and just do for me       maybe I should learn my place ...maybe I should choose me over and over again.... an untypical relationship is what we all have ... I don't think we ask for much... we survive on crumbs of affection sporadically aimed now and again...I want more... keep Ur crumbs ... 

My own skin didn't fit for a long time.  I had a setback recently. The one thing I was sure of betrayed me.   And the worst hurts come from those we love. It’s not a stranger ...and yet it’s dangerous.  I couldn't breathe, I couldn't understand, I couldn't cope ...work was good, it kept me so busy that when I went to bed, I was too tired to delve ... 

I had to find my feet, I had to get balance, I had to get a grip... if I didn't the world I created would have fallen apart ...the tears still fall without me knowing ... I know I hv changed... the tears never fell  they lingered now; they roll without me knowing  and I have to breathe ...

These were my expectations not anyone else's....my life was lived In lieu of making it better  and if I had to do it all again ..I would tweak ....to make sure I am sorted too ...regrets not even one ... so I say... I am brave I am strong I am a woman.

On wearing this new skin ....it fits like a glove holding me tight in places I need support the most... a new journey of self-discovery begins.   Embrace it I will ...the Yada Yada around me will always be there ... I need to tune in and out to frequencies that serve my soul.... I don’t have a heart to share I don't think I am capable but l like me and for now that’s enough.

My fixation with hands .... hands that hold ....hands that pray ....hands that heal . And yet all the hands I wanted to be held by left... in my deepest darkest moments I hold onto my hands firmly and tightly telling myself I will never give up and I will never let go ...I don't blame anyone for leaving I understand it wasn't time or that time had run out .... no buts no ifs .... just enough to let go.