MIND GAMES

My mind's full of endless stories - scenarios playing on endless loops of meaninglessness. Lists of things, people, places, experiences that have left a marked impression on me and inform my every decision.

I am averse to the quiet, I find silence unsettling.

Very unsettling…

So being confronted by the quiet in my usually loud work environment proved particularly challenging, as if  I was yet again being teased by the universe that in the same month had scammers clone my credit card, jinxed my gearbox keeping me in low gear on automatic, and infected my Canon to print everything in green as if the jolly green giant had set up house in my printer in my 3 weeks away from work.

It feels strange; almost like a once favourite jersey that has shrunk in the wash and now doesn't quite fit.

Got used to the D: Disturbance! Drama! Demons! Discord!

And in this D-state I am:

• Operating on automatic

• Doing in thoughtless bursts

• Acting on impulse

• Feigning interest

• Half-listening, half-hearing

• Emptying emotions

Peace & Quiet: I'm not used to this.

It's unexpected coming on a Monday in the heart of Winter. I don't like Winter, it grates me, the absence of light, the lack of warmth. It leaves me cold, chilled to the bone, iciness settles on my heart and leaves me frigid.  I miss the sun, basking in her glow. This D I love, the "sunshine “vitamin, it feeds every nerve ending, every sense; every feeling is heightened and I am super-alive.

A melancholic tune drifts down quiet passages; a song playing quietly in the background, it's almost softer than a whisper. I have to cock my head to hear it, to draw it in. I find the soft melody smooth & sweet like honey, it lulls me against my will. My head zings, thoughts are free to rummage around in an under-active brain like the steel ball in a Pinball Machine, it zips from side to side till the bulbs on the table light up and the machine goes crazy.

My thoughts zero in on you, threaten to settle on this painful target. But I don't go there, huge red signs flash furiously warning me off. Your face flashes briefly, that wicked grin enticing me, drawing me in to better days, happier times when that smile preceded pleasure. A smile followed by laughter, laughter from both of us spent, satisfied, smitten.

I nudge and try to dislodge thoughts stuck on you. The tilt loosens the shiny ball from your grip and sends it on its way to seek more rewarding chapters. My office chair creaks under thick thighs, winter has left me lethargic. These thighs were cushions for your weary head. You told tall tales from here, spinning stories and plotting our future...

Tilt, dislodge!

Damn, defenses are down. I urge the ball towards the gutter, leaving the flippers open.

GAME OVER!

The shrill ring of the telephone jolts me.

I act on impulse.

I pray for the D:

Deadlines! Duties! Developments!

"How can I help you?" I ask in a level tone, thankful for the call, grateful for the interruption.

"No problem," I say, "I can have that ready for you later today!"

Dashboard engaged!

Mindset shifted.

System Recovery in progress.